Have you ever gotten into a fight with a family member or partner and it seems like it is two children having a school yard scrap? Well if you say no…. just take another look because more often than not, when we fight about something that is important to us and/or that really nicks at our values, we drop into a child part of ourselves to defend or withdraw. You become a kid in an adult body, having a tantrum or taking your bat and ball and going home. Yes, we can laugh, but really this is not the healthiest way to fight nor the most productive.
So what do you do? You learn and practice to fight like an adult.
Rule One: Own your OWN Stuff
If you messed up-own it, if you were rude- own it, if an apology is warranted-own it.
Healthy adult conflict is about identifying, being accountable for and owning your own actions and emotions.
Rule Two: Work out what you are really fighting about
It usually isn’t the lid off the sauce bottle or forgetting to put the rubbish out. It is about time, care, respect, value and feeling safe in the relationship. This can sometimes be tricky to work out… but before launching into an argument, take some time to think about what you are really upset about and why.
Rule Three: Fight with Respect
Conflict in a relationship is an inevitable and necessary part. It helps us to explore differences and to ultimately be heard and understood (although that doesn’t mean you will necessarily be agreed with). Treat the other person with respect in conflict- respect their view and ask them questions, listen to their responses and be open to the differences; be open to move past the issue and compromise if necessary; respect their feelings and don’t sulk or gloat with the outcome.
Rule Four- Time Outs are Allowed …. But Always Come Back
Everyone reacts differently to conflict- we can have different emotions, and we all process information a different way. If you need some time to regroup your emotions or thoughts, it is absolutely ok to call a Time Out. The key is to say how long for ie : ten minutes or in the morning, and then ALWAYS honour the relationship and person by coming back, even if it’s to say you need more time. Time can allow us better emotional regulation and/or perspective on what we are fighting about. It’s absolutely ok to take time to breathe…..