Love, Intimacy and Sex

Many of you ask.. is it ok to talk about love, intimacy and sex in your sessions.  YES YES YES.  The more we talk about it the more relaxed we are.  So this month I thought I would open the conversation.
 
Love and Attachment
The way we experience and observe love is often the way we replicate it.  This can be both positive modelling, but also (because we were all raised by complex humans) some behaviours can be unhealthy and unsafe.
 
Building openness, trust and respect in relationships is key.  Vulnerability can be shared and supported when there is a safety in yourself and between you and your partner.
 
Attachment style and love languages are often a primary source of conflict and distress in otherwise healthy relationships, so take the time to learn your styles.
 
Attachment Styles
An attachment style is a specific pattern of behaviour in and around relationships. These patterns are formed in your childhood years based on your experiences.  Once you identify your primary attachment style (and yes you can also have some behaviours from multiple styles) you can start to work towards developing a more secure attachment style.
 
There are four adult attachment styles: 

•  Anxious (also referred to as Preoccupied)
•  Avoidant (also referred to as Dismissive)
•  Disorganised (also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant)
•  Secure

Many online sites have a basic quiz to consider and learn about your attachment style.
Try https://www.attachmentproject.com

Also:  Attached by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller M.A.
 
Love Languages
The way we give and received love can be through very different behaviours and often style can clash or not be recognised when a person is showing love in “their” way.  As with attachment, we have different styles and need to be aware of our own preferences and our partners.
 
The five love languages are: 

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Physical touch
• Acts of service
• Receiving gifts

Try https://5lovelanguages.com as a starting resource.
 
Intimacy and Sex
This is often a difficult topic when past traumas both big and small are involved.
 
Firstly consider that intimacy is not always sexual.  Intimacy includes physical, emotional, intellectual, experiential and spiritual.
 
For more information see: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-intimacy-in-a-relationship-5199766
 
In a safe, trusting and respectful relationship, the options are endless.
 
A wonderful resource for those who have experienced sexual trauma is The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz.